My reluctance to being a sacrificial lamb for a cause that doesn't benefit me and for people who would easily throw me under the bus for another is a form of SELF CARE.
Disclaimer: No one deserves to be murdered in cold blood. Even if they were a big pile of dumpster trash.
Stephon Clark didn't deserve to to die like that. He didn't deserve 20 shots for minding his business. But he also doesn't deserve the sympathy of this dark skinned Black woman that he hates. It is what it is.
I won't apologize for that. I am entitled to my feelings. I am entitled to reserving myself and I don't have to be present for any person who clearly is not present for me. Dead or alive. I am worth more than that and I expressed these sentiments recently on Facebook after discovering some pretty terrible things about Clark via his Twitter page.
To be clear, I was not surprised nor was I shocked to find that Stephon Clark hated Black women. It was not alarming to me that he praised having an "exotic" chick with mixed children. It was not heartbreaking to find that his girlfriend was equally anti-Black and he allowed it. It's too be expected. Quite honestly, I would have been shocked had he not been exactly what I expected him to be. A self-hating, anti-Black pile of dung.
I posted screenshots on my page and simply stated that for my own self-care purposes I would not be able to extend myself in his honor seeing as how if he we alive today, I would be the exact type of woman he would spit on if given the opportunity. The response I got from Black women and, not surprisingly Black men, was all that could be expected.
Like clockwork, each time news breaks of another unjustifiable killing of a Black man by police enforcement droves of Black women rush to the front line putting together rallies, organizing protests, stepping out of themselves to give all that they've got to be present for the Black men in their time of need. Over the years, we have seem the development of over a dozen protests and movements created and/or led by Black women than we've seen in decades. Black women have been defying the stereotype that Black women can not come together to accomplish something left and right. It's honestly been something amazing to see.
It has been amazing to watch Black women put aside their differences and petty cattiness to be there for the community that needs them. The problem is? The community in which they are continuing to go above and beyond themselves for hates them and has proven to be unwilling to reciprocate where support and unity is concerned.
I see it daily while perusing Facebook and Twitter. I see the different discussions that pop up. I read the comments. You should never read the comments. But like the true Libra that I am, I am a sucker of punishment. It seems no matter how many times Black men show us exactly how they feel about us, we continue to try and "prove" ourselves worthy. Hundreds of women pouring themselves into comments desperately trying to make themselves stand out in the crowd. Desperately seeking validation from men who wouldn't give them a cup of water if they were dying. The same men who would rather pull out a phone to record them being beaten or hurt instead of intervening and protecting her.
I've been in countless arguments with these type of men who are so intimidated by my wit and craftiness that they aggressively try to humble me by attempting to strip me of any accomplishments. By insisting that I am unlovable because I value education over having a man simply for the sake of having one. And it never fails to amaze me how many women are quick to jump at me in defense of these men who I am actually defending them from. Crazy, isn't it?
So, as of late when I hear stories about police murders involving Black men I have been practicing a form of self-care that I like to call, "Not My Problem". It is not my problem because I have noticed that over the last 3 to 4 years alone, each and every time a Black woman has been the subject of discussion in terms of needing justice there is always a quick pull back in support. Of course, you will see and hear the voices of Black women trying to get the word out and doing what we do best. Getting shit done. But what you won't see is a mass amount of Black men rallying along side us. In fact, Black men are silent period. And when they do speak, they only do so to criticize and dehumanize the woman of topic.
They ask intrusive and irrelevant questions about her personal life, what she was doing, what she was wearing, what she must of said or did to "deserve" whatever it was that happened to her. There must be a reason, right? Our cries for support, respect and love fall on deaf ears, that is, unless you fit the ideal model of what they consider to be "Worthy". How much protection we are worth is dependent upon how bad they want to screw us. And it you aren't on their screw chart, you might as well accept the fact that your fight is on your own.
And don't be a victim of rape or any kind of sexual assault. You are automatically at fault.
I have stood by this idea for a while now and have remained firm in my stance. I am not marching. I am not sending my daughter to march. I am not sending my sisters, cousins, friends, aunts or any woman that I know to march. I am going to advise them to save their energy for themselves. Until Black men get their act together and learn how to show up I have made the decision to sit down.
Aside from the obvious feelings, I am a Black woman raising a Black daughter. I live alone. I pay my own bills. I work hard for everything that I own. I don't have "help".
What happens if I go protest and get arrested? I now have a record. With that record I will be limited in what I can do. I will be denied for jobs [which is something I already have to deal with as a Black woman], I will be denied the opportunity to live in certain areas and will have to disclose that I am a "criminal" with a "criminal" past despite the nature of the arrest. I am now limited in how I can take care of my child and my household.
I take my behind out there and protest in these streets on behalf of Black men who have repeatedly shown me [us] that we don't matter to them. Get arrested and find myself in a position where I can not take care of my home [because yanno...] which one of you menfolk are going to open up your doors for me and my child? Which one of y'all are going to "take care" of [us]? Which one of you are going to take on the responsibility of making sure that both she and I have what we need because I threw it all away to stand and fight on your behalf? Will you be okay with not being able to get a house in certain areas or live in certain gated communities because I have criminal record?
Why is your patriarchy so mediocre?
So, until then...I will stay my Black ass home, and sit my Black ass on this couch. I'm not sacrificing myself or my child. I think we [women] have done enough of that. All of these women out here throwing away their lives to protect the same men and when we get into trouble all you can offer us is mediocre peen and bad credit.
If you don't protest and stand in support you are saying that the murders are justified...
Seriously, someone actually typed this to me. Actually, more than one did. My reluctance to being a sacrificial lamb for a cause that doesn't benefit me and for people who would easily throw me under the bus for another is a form of SELF CARE.
As a dark skin Black woman living in this disgusting and toxic society I have my own battles to fight and my own crosses to bear. I advocate for no one but MYSELF. I rally for what is in my best interest and, in turn, advocate for those who happen to also think and feel as I do. Im not your “ally”. Don’t call me that. Because if that day arrives and it comes down to me going home to hug my daughter and you going home to yours. Im going home.
When you peel the band-aid back on this whole "Black Revolution" jig that social media maleship has been shoving down the throats of women these past few years. It’s not about justice because if it was then the argument of whether Nate Parker and Bill Cosby are or are not rapists (or if R.Kelly is or isn't a pedophile) wouldn’t even be a topic to debate.
It’s not about fair treatment or equality…because if it was then Black women, Black children, Black gays, Black lesbians, Black trans, Black queer, Black alternatives, Black that was “different” would be included in the fight and their voices would be equally valued and heard.
It’s not about unity…because if it was then there wouldn’t be so many sub-cliques within large cliques that exclude cliques that don’t live, think and agree with everything said or done.
It’s not about breaking free from oppression, destroying stereotypes or “dismantling a system that has held us back for so long”…because if it was then so many Black women wouldn’t have to fight so hard for their right to be free and live in their own lanes without fear of being “branded” by the men meant to love and protect them.
This here “revolution”…
It’s not about setting us free and creating a community where we can all thrive in opportunity that exists within our own…because if it were, the idea of a woman having just as much (or more) than a man, and succeeding wouldn’t be viewed as a threat, but more like an asset.
If this revolution was about building a new nation or a new community, there wouldn’t be so many children walking around fatherless and confused. Excuses and finger pointing would be replaced with acknowledgment and action.
What your “revolution” is…
It’s about the right to be mediocre. Not just mediocre. But mediocre white dipped in melanin. You don’t want justice; you just want to be able to do what the YT man does and get away with it. You want to be able to break the law, defy authority, rape, kill and vandalize with lesser sentences…or offered a little mental therapy in exchange for time served.
It’s about being allowed equal opportunity to prey upon non-WOC unsuspectingly because you aren’t feared or seen as someone to watch out for. You want to be undetected. Yes, you want the same opportunities as the next white man, but it’s not for the reasons you try to give.
It’s about the right to live white. It’s about the right to live in hypocrisy. It’s about being able to be one of “them” because as soon as you are given a little room on your rope, your angry cries of injustice and unfairness go silent.
But your “revolution” will continue to lose.
Because your “revolution” is a mess.
Because your “revolution” isn’t smart.
Because your “revolution” is led by ignorance.
Because your “revolution” isn’t genuine.
And your “revolution” isn’t for everyone.
And your “revolution” doesn’t speak for everyone.
Your “revolution” isn’t for me, or my daughter…or hell even my young son, especially if I am raising him alone.
Your “revolution” isn’t for the LGBTQ+.
Your “revolution” isn’t for the less masculine, non-aggressive, I just want to live my life, lame ass bow tie wearing, college degreed, proud Black woman loving, I pay for dates sucker ass Black man.
Your “revolution” isn’t for single parents (read: single mothers) thots, hoes, strippers, ratchet ass hood Black women, college-degreed Black women, barely made it out of high school Black women, career women, stay at home moms, young Black girls, old Black women, middle aged Black women, skinny Black women, fat Black women, natural haired Black women, relaxed Black women, short haired, long haired, extension wearing Black women, well dressed and barely dressed Black women or Snapchat filer using Black women.
Your “revolution” isn’t for “bossy” Black women, take charge Black women, “fuck it, I’ll do it myself” Black women, angry Black women, hurt Black women, abused Black women, tired Black women, raped Black women, assaulted Black women, “Ill fight back” Black women. The “I won’t settle for less than I'm worth” Black women.
Your “revolution” isn’t for "ultra" feminine Black women, who would rather not mess up their pedicures marching. The “I’m not sweating out my edges” Black women, the “I just want to sit in the shade and drink lemonade” Black women. The "I'd rather stay home and watch TV in the AC" Black women. The "I ain't going to jail for no damn body" Black women.
That is until your “revolution” needs us. Then it’s for everybody. Because we have to work together now.
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