No, seriously. It’s cool and I totally understand. We all want men to be “better men” but the truth is, some will become better men with time but most won’t and that is as simple as it’s going to get.
Leave him or leave him be. There was easy. It’s fairly simple. Trying to force a change that isn’t wanted is asking for conflict, heartache and drama.
Contrary to what men “say”, there is no surefire way to keep your man happy or any other person for that matter and quite honestly, it shouldn’t be something that you strive to do. Let me rephrase, your sole purpose in life should not be to satisfy the desires of everyone else above yourself. Got it? When you understand this, you will understand why he won’t be a better man for you. He doesn’t have to be.
I could go on and on about how some men simply are not ready and since society doesn’t dictate that men do better they aren’t forced to take accountability and responsibility for themselves. I could burst out into a long sing and dance routine about men have coddled since the dawn of time leaving women to do the bulk of the grunt work while receiving absolutely none of the credit. But that would be like beating a dead horse and no one really needs to hear all of that again. Don’t get me wrong, I am more than willing to beat a dead horse and I will…but I have a point so let’s move on, shall we?
For a while after my divorce I had a hard time watching my ex-husband date new women even though I did not want him. This confused me because I had no desire to be with him when he was single, but for whatever reason, every time I learned that he was involved with someone else I would flip. Never mind the fact that I had my own rotation of peen to deal with and it wasn’t like I hadn’t had multiple opportunities to take him back if I wanted to because it sure wasn’t like he did not try every chance he got. But still, there I was seething at the thought of him being with another woman. Why?
For a while, I assumed that this meant I was still in love with him. But how? Was I too haste in my decision to leave? What was wrong with me? Should I run to him and suddenly confess my feelings to him? What is this is my only chance? What if he treats he better than he treated….stop. There is was.
After all this time I figured out why I got so anxious every time he got involved. There was an unspoken fear that he would get with a woman who was able to get to him to be the man that I wanted him to be. I was afraid that the man I married would suddenly manifest with this new woman which would mean that there was something wrong with me.
It wasn’t about him. It was me and my own insecurity.
I had to realize that his unwillingness to be the man that “I” wanted him to be was my own problem, not his. He wasn’t required to change for me and there was nothing I could do to make him. I literally have to leave him or leave him be. No one is required to change for you. Change is done for self and should be done for self. When it comes down to it, when I really think about it, I don’t want anyone to change for me. I am not a charity case and I don’t need your pity.
When someone changes for the sole purpose of making someone else happy it isn’t authentic. It’s not real. Which means that eventually, at some point, the facade will crumble and the person they once were will come bursting through like a wrecking ball and with vary little warning. I don’t want to be the reason someone has to “fake” who they are.
Be who you are and if who you are isn’t what I need, I’ll leave you be.
Owner of Love My Black, LLC + Eighty5OH8 -Award Winning Blogger/Author | Viral Troublemaker | Mother of One | Brand and PR strategist