I Kind of Feel Like Dating Is For Teenagers, Adults Just Hang Out And Get On Each Other's Nerve

Photo Jan 22, 8 50 05 PM.jpg

Growing up the pinnacle of every girls teenage years was when she was allowed to start dating. Nothing was more exciting and finally being asked on a date and you're allowed to go. Especially if he was lucky enough to be one of those boys with gifted his own car for his 16th birthday.

There was nothing more intoxicating than spending an entire day with your friends gossiping about how excited you were to go on this date with this boy. You'd spend all third period yapping with your best friend about what you're gonna wear and how you're going to do your hair completely ignoring the lesson the teacher is trying to teach. You spend all lunch. Gathered in the circle in the cafeteria with your friends talking about how much you like this boy how excited you are. By the end of the school day you and your friends have mapped out the next 30 years of your lives together including the names of your children and where you guys are going to live.

You rush home and breeze through your homework and begin preparing for your date that night. Your mother would help you with your curls, your dad will give you his overly protective speech that you completely ignored, and your phone will be blowing up because all of your friends want the before the details. Your outfit was made up of accessories borrowed from each one of your friends because...that's what friends do. We borrow shit from each other and never give it back.

Then it happens...

The boy you been question on so hard shows up at your door, flowers in hand, nervously avoiding eye contact with your dad who's hovering over him like a big oak tree. You come downstairs and he tells you how amazing you look and you blush. You head out the door with your father yelling that he better have you back by 10. You get to the car and he opens the door for you, you get in and he closes it. You subconsciously mean over to unlock his door so that he can get it and off you go to the dollar movies because that's all you can afford.

At the movie theater do you share popcorn and each get small drinks. You hold hands and make out, yes we all made out in the movie theater....sorry mom/dad...it happened. You have a lovely day with the lovely boy and in that moment you swear you are in love.

He takes you home and walks you to the door. He wants to kiss you but there's an eyeball peeping out of the window making him uncomfortable so instead of kissing you on the lips he kisses you on the cheek and tells you that he will call you tomorrow.

 

 

Before you can get in the house good your best friends, all 16 of them have three weight each other so that all of you could be on the phone and you could give them all the details at once. And even though you were supposed to be in bed an hour ago you have successfully been able to sneak in an extra 35 minutes of talk time without your mom knowing because you have to tell them what happen right now. Because third period is far away and nobody can wait 12 hours for details.

And the cycle continues and every time you went out on a date with the boy. Because dating was exciting.


Dating as an adult is like going trick-or-treating. Nobody hands out candy to adults.


There's nothing more infuriating than being asked out on a date, spending two hours prepping yourself thinking you are about to go out only to end up chilling in a small studio apartment with no food in the house, nothing to drink but Hennessy and it reeks of dirty socks. The thought of going out somewhere is unreasonable and suggesting that you do so means you are high maintenance and unappreciative.

By the time you leave his presence your curls have gone flat your make up has been on scene and you spend the rest of your car ride home, because instead of coming to pick you up he wanted you to meet him what he was ahead, wishing you were 16 again so you could go on a real date.

Instead of going home and spending hours talking to your best friend about how amazing the date was you instead slip between your covers and spend hours telling her how you are tired of these men and you're just going to buy cat and die alone. Then you have to spend the next two weeks ignoring text messages I'm blocking calls from this guy who thinks that you guys had a great day and can't understand why you don't want to see his ass again. He doesn't understand why you're tripping. And he thinks that one date warrants sex. Then you contemplate does dating women until you remember that 1. you're heterosexual and 2. women ain't shit either so you just lay there, in bed, staring at the ceiling Kardashianly waiting for the big comment to come and wipe out civilizations so we can start again.

Honestly, dating is boring. At least it is for me. I suppose I could say that I am at the point in my life where I kind of want to settle down again but then again I also want to be left alone with my Calico furbaby. Dating has turned into a task for me. I don’t find pleasure in spending 4 hours dolling myself up so that I can sit uncomfortably across the table from a man who has been eyeballing my chest for the last two hours. Hoping that he doesn’t try to haggle me for some sex so that I don’t have to reach in my bag. I simply don’t want to do it.

When you add on other issues like children, work, school, running businesses and basically being an adult it’s hard to really find time. I can’t date during the week because I have my daughter. She isn’t old enough to be alone at night by herself and I so no point in paying money to someone for 2 hours to watch her. Besides, after spending 9-10 hours fake smiling at people starring in my face all day the last thing I want to do is come home and fake smile in some man’s face. On the weekends, I usually use Saturday as my “do nothing, ask me nothing” day and Sundays are dedicated to self-care and preparation for the forth-coming week. I have a routine and most men simply are “good” enough for me to break that.

The concept of dating sounds nice but after a certain age the actual act of dating doesn’t work for me.  The ones you really like never get to stick around because they are usually the highly problematic ones and stay pushing the limits while the ones that you’d rather not continue wasting your time with never seem to “get the hint”.